Thin Ice

I just had a long conversation with [someone who I can only assume is a] former friend about what it means to be a friend, about what it means to forgive someone and about what it means to maintain a friendship with someone who has hurt you. Needless to say this (potentially) former friend and I didn't see eye-to-eye on these issues, but more worrisome than that is considering how my other friends may feel about them.

Each and every one of my closest friends has not only hurt me, as I believe that's inevitable in any relationship that lasts, but also maliciously and deeply betrayed me. How have I responded? I've always forgiven them. Always. And I'm not talking about this, “well, I'll be your friend, but I'm still mad at you” bullshit type forgiveness (is that even really forgiveness?), but real, full-on, you're still my best friend, I still love you, I still trust you, I still have your back, it's as if it never happened because I really truly forgive you forgiveness. I just assumed that I could expect the same from them.

As fate would have it, I've done some really dumb things over the last year. I've betrayed a lot of the people closest to me and, understandably, scared away a handful of my friends. But, as I expected, most of the people that I've been close to for a long time, including many of the people who I hurt the worst, have stuck around, have had my back, have been my friend, have forgiven me... or maybe they've just been acting like it.

7 days ago I slept through my own birthday party and woke up without a friend within 50 miles. I was baffled by the fact that the people at the party that I missed were not disappointed, not worried, but angry. Really? Angry? For 6 days I couldn't put two and two together. I couldn't help but think that if one of my friends worked all day and slept through their birthday party, I'd feel sorry for them... worried about them... maybe a little disappointed... but angry? Definitely not angry. It wasn't until it was suggested to me that I've been on “thin ice” that it started to make sense why everyone was so upset. I told the person that I was arguing with today that if he can't forgive me for the mistakes that I've made, then it doesn't make sense for us to call ourselves friends.

“Sticking around” to see if I can “make up” for my mistakes is not what a friend would do. Either you forgive me or you don't and that's your choice. Everyone in my life knows who I am, knows what I'm about and knows if I'm the kind of person who they want in their lives. I'm entitled to mistakes just like everyone else and if you don't think I am: that's your problem, not mine. I would never ask my friends to live a life on thin ice, and I won't have them asking that of me. If we have a problem, and you can't get over the things that I've done: that's on you and I'm not going to be bothered with it.

It's worth mentioning that this isn't the first social event I've skipped out on this summer. I'm not trying to portray myself as a victim and I do understand that people have legitimate reasons for being upset. I think it goes without saying that I'm sorry that I missed my party and that it obviously wasn't a malicious act. For me, knowing that would be all it would take to forgive someone, if only the people closest to me felt the same way...